I, Robocaller

Robocalls. If you're a voter in one of the "battleground states," you're familiar with them. Right when you're in the middle of doing something liberal -- say, destroying the family by making cakes for same sex weddings -- the phone rings and a voice tells you "the truth" about Barack Obama.

Who makes robocalls? That should be obvious from the name -- robots. Clearly, they see the McCain-Palin ticket as being stronger for their radical robot agenda. The metal men, with their fierce laser beam eyes and computer brains, want nothing more than to see McCain elected.

Why?

I looked up the Three Laws of Robotics and discovered a chilling fact. See for yourself:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

My discovery? That there's nothing barring a robot from lying. You could argue that losing an election would constitute "harm" for Barack Obama, but robots -- with their merciless calculations -- could see McCain losing as an equal harm. The second law could be overriding the first, since offense and defense are merely different positions in the same game. Team McCain orders the robots to make the calls, so the robots do it. The harm caused to Obama by doing it is rendered neutral by the harm caused to McCain by not doing it.

And doing it they are. Oh, yes indeed. Doing it they most certainly are...





I've received the following call personally:

Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization bombed the U.S. capitol, the Pentagon, a judge's home and killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his Democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. This call was paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 and the Republican National Committee at 202-863-8500.

Of course, this is guilt by association. Obama and Ayers were recruited by the same foundation to work on education issues. This is the same as holding you responsible for the people your employer hires. It's a ridiculously wild pitch and isn't getting over the plate with voters. So, of course, the robots tried a different pitch:

Hello. I am calling for John McCain and the RNC because Barack Obama says small town folks like us cling to our guns because we are bitter. And elitist Democrats who want to control Washington and completely ban hand guns and most hunting rifles. The NRA said that Barack Obama would be the most anti-gun president in American history. These elitist Democrats just don't understand us and we can't trust them with our 2nd Amendment rights. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain Palin 2008.

One thing becomes clear with this call, the robots think humans are idiots. I got this one and, although it talks about "small town folks like us," I live in Wisconsin's second largest city. The belief in human irrationality is further manifest through the assertion that Obama "would be the most anti-gun president in American history." The robots know his opinions about guns -- even if he were the "most anti-gun president" ever -- have been rendered moot by the Supreme Court. The familiar Republican scare tactic of Democrats coming to take your guns away is even more nonsensical than it ever was. They literally can't.

I warn you, this next robocall is chilling:

Hello, this is Governor Tom Ridge, America's first Secretary of Homeland Security. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because this week Joe Biden, Barack Obama's running mate, made startling comments that we must take seriously. He reminded us of Sen. Obama's inexperience when he said that America would face an international crisis that Sen. Obama would be unprepared to handle alone. If the Democrats win complete control of government they will want to give traditional civil rights to terrorists and talk unconditionally to dictators and state sponsors of terror. Barack Obama and his Democrat allies lack the experience and judgment to lead America.

That's right, Tom Ridge, former Secretary of Homeland Security and one-time shortlister for McCain running mate, is a robot! And, as the call demonstrates, robots are not incapable of lying. Obama would "give traditional civil rights to terrorists?" Since when are civil rights a mere tradition? They're written into the Constitution. And once you're found guilty of a felony, you lose your civil rights. Robo-Ridge's call makes no sense. Remember, robots believe you're completely irrational.

Other political figures have also exposed themselves as robots:

Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani and I'm calling for John McCain and the Republican National Committee, because you need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. It's true, I read Obama's words myself. And recently, Congressional liberals introduced a bill to eliminate mandatory prison sentences for violent criminals -- trying to give liberal judges the power to decide whether criminals are sent to jail or set free. With priorities like these, we just can't trust the inexperience and judgment of Barack Obama and his liberal allies. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008.

This explains so much. The reason Giuliani was repeating "9/11, 9/11, 9/11..." throughout the campaign was because he was caught in a recursive programming loop. He's obviously been rebooted since then, but his code is still faulty. Mandatory minimum sentencing isn't the same thing as "mandatory sentencing." Sentencing is always mandatory -- if you've been found guilty of a crime, you've got to be sentenced to something. Yet Robo-Rudy seems to believe that Obama is against sentencing criminals. Why on Earth would he be?

Because humans are irrational, that's why. To the awesome metal men, you might as well be an overly-emotional squirrel. The human mind is a complete mystery to them.

But why do the robot hordes want McCain -- a human -- to be president? We've seen plenty of examples of McCain's primary emotional state -- silent, barely contained rage. We know he's not a robot.

The answer will leave you speechless:

Hi, this is Sarah Palin. One of our local campaign volunteers just called you, and I wanted to follow up and ask for your support. You know our opponents may talk a lot, but they haven't done much listening. I know what it's like to be a hard-working mom. I know how hard it is to make ends meet during tough times like this. John McCain and I know our country is hurting, and we know how to turn it around. We'll get our economy back on track. we'll cut your taxes and lower prices at the pump and at the grocery store. John McCain and I are the mavericks who will reform Washington, Wall Street., and all the wasteful government in between. I hope John McCain and I can count on your support on November 4. We won't let you down. Paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 at 703-418-2008.

Dear sweet God, Sarah Palin is a robot. The reign of humans on this world may be drawing to a close.

For the love of all that is decent and human, vote!

VOTE!!

-Wisco

2007 News Dive Awards

Now comes the time of year where we look back on our most recent trip around the sun and say, "Good riddance!" Whether or not our own annual solar cycle went well, we were presented with some really lousy news. We start every year with optimism and end each sadder, but wiser. We get hammered and give the outgoing year the finger, while hoping the new year turns out better -- even though we're pretty sure it won't.

It's said that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. I'd add that those who learn from history are doomed to screw things up in spectacular new ways. At least new ways are more interesting. So we look back on the year that was, hoping to learn something useful, and hand out this year's News Dive awards.

-Worst Memory-
Hands down, this goes to former Attorney General of the US Alberto Gonzales. In hot water over the firing eight federal prosecutors for political reasons, Gonzo testified to the Senate Judiciary Committee that he didn't remember talking about it with anyone, emailing anyone about it, who they were, why they were actually fired, when the war of 1812 was fought, or who was buried in Grant's Tomb. Observers were surprised that he always remembered the location of the hearings and to wear pants to them. Most credited his staff.

In the end, he couldn't even remember to resign in disgrace, staying in the job months and months longer than any sane person would've. Finally, someone left a Post-It pasted to his PC and he resigned.

-Worst Analogy-
Bush comparing Iraq to Vietnam. "One unmistakable legacy of Vietnam is that the price of America's withdrawal was paid by millions of innocent citizens whose agonies would add to our vocabulary new terms like 'boat people,' 'reeducation camps' and 'killing fields,'" President Brilliant said, having fled screaming from serving in that war -- like just about everyone in his administration. Not only is comparing a war he insists we'll win to a war we lost unconvincing, but bringing up the war at all cemented his chickenhawk bona fides.

Besides, asked about an Iraq-Vietnam comparison earlier, the First Resident said, "I think the analogy is false. I also happen to think that analogy sends the wrong message to our troops, and sends the wrong message to the enemy."

Why don't you get back to us after you make up your mind, George?

-The Best Candidate Who Didn't Run-
Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold. A lot of people held out hope that the best Cheesehead Senator since Fightin' Bob LaFollette would make a presidential run. A "Draft Russ" movement began after he introduced a resolution to censure Bush over illegal wiretaps.

Feingold finally decided he do more good in the Senate and announced he wouldn't run. Note to the winner of the 2008 Presidential Race: "Attorney General Russ Feingold" has a nice ring to it, don't y'think?

-Best Candidate Who Did Run-
Dennis Kucinich. That's not an endorsement, just an observation. Dennis wins for his push to impeach Dick Cheney. While other candidates still serving in office are busy campaigning, Kucinich is still doing crazy stuff like legislating. Consider that, Iowa.

-Frightening Image of The Year-
Larry Craig having sex in a mens' room stall. Pass the psychological stain remover. Larry also get's Honorable Mention for being the source of a lot of "wide stance" jokes.

-"In Your Face" Award-
The Nobel Prize Committee. In giving the Nobel to Al Gore, the Committee embarrassed the hell out of the Bush administration over their inaction on global warming. Turns out that the president who made a lot of noise about using switchgrass as a form of alternative energy has done much of anything but talk.

Al won an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Nobel. The theme song to his movie An Inconvenient Truth, Melissa Etheridge's I Need To Wake Up, also won an Oscar. In 2008, Al Gore is expected to win a mug reading "World's Best Dad," Better Homes & Gardens' Lawn of the Year award, and a Gold Medal for the Pole Vault in Beijing.

Seriously, when you're on a winning streak like this, why on Earth wouldn't you make another run at the presidency?

-Most Ridiculous Boob-
Gotta be Bill O'Reilly. Seriously, do I really have to explain this one? Runner up goes to Glenn Beck.

-Dumbass Statement of the Year-
Always a highly competitive field, but it has to go to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who told an audience at Columbia University, "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country. We don't have that like in your country. ... In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have this."

I know, you were expecting this to go to some Bush dumbassery, but this was one of those "You expect me to believe that?" moments.

-Most Beautiful Fizzle-
Hands down, the Bush administration's claims about Iranian nukes. Totally shot down by a National Security Estimate, the "We're going to war with Iran tomorrow" stories died a beautiful and very public death. With this administration, we have a shortage of "Peace wins out" stories, so rejoice.

-Best Advice-
Finally, this one goes to me. I'm being totally unbiased here -- seriously.

The advice of the year is to keep your damned car at home tonight. People get into trouble when they take their car out, drink, and decide they don't want to leave their car parked wherever it is all night. Leave it parked at home tonight and take a cab, bus, train, trolley, jinrickshaw, etc.

Seriously, I want to see you back for next year's awards. Now go get hammered.

-Your Awards-
Needless to say, these awards are by no means comprehensive. It was a whole damned year, for Pete's sake. You've got your own -- Most Wasted Celebrity, Most Overhyped News Story, Favorite Poisonous Toy, or Least Inspiring Speech, maybe.

Go ahead and post them in the comments. The year that was needs a fitting headstone. Go nuts.

Good riddance.

--Wisco

Technorati tags: politics; humor; Screw you, 2007

Why We Must Filibuster Freedom

Let's restore the Constitution. That's a good idea, right? Who hates the Constitution?

Terrorists, that's who. And that's the problem. We're fighting the War on Terror in Iraq and, as far as Republicans are concerned, we'll keep doing it until time stops. But terrorists exist in places other than Iraq and despite the fact that we want to "fight them over there, so we don't have to fight them here," some terrorists refuse to take the invitation to come fight in Iraq.

How to deal with these holdouts? We know that terrorists hate our freedoms, because President Bush told us so. That's what this whole thing is about. Osama bin Laden sees us voting for school board members and referenda on garbage pickup. He sees us stand in court and make our cases under the rule of law and the cause of reason and justice. He sees us enjoying free speech. This, apparently, enrages him. Bin Laden's never actually said anything about how much he hates our freedom, but the president said that's what this is all about, so there ya go.

Since terrorist wallflowers seem intent on sitting out the war in Iraq, there's only one thing to do -- get rid of freedom. That way, the terrorists will knock it off.

At least, that seems to be the reasoning behind yesterday's filibuster of an amendment to restore Habeas Corpus for detainees. This is the new strategy to win the War on Terror; capitulate and become unfree. That'll show 'em.

Voice of America:

Legislation that would have given detainees held by the United States the right to challenge their detention in U.S. courts has been blocked in the Senate by lawmakers arguing the measure would undermine the U.S. war on terrorism. VOA's Deborah Tate reports from Capitol Hill.

The Senate voted 56-43, four votes short of the 60 necessary, and largely along party lines, to limit debate and move the legislation to a final vote.

The measure would have restored to foreign terrorism suspects the right of habeas corpus, which bars the government from imprisoning people without a court review.

See, Democrats don't get it. The President tells us, "My biggest job is to protect the American people." Of course, he swore an oath -- twice, in fact -- that says his biggest job is to "preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States." It doesn't actually say anything about protecting the american people. But the Presidential Oath of Office is just a formality, just something you've got to say, like swearing to tell the truth in court or agreeing to serve every weekend you're scheduled to in the National Guard -- everyone says it, nobody means it.

The president and his Republican allies know that the only way to defeat terrorists is to give them nothing to fight for. And that means getting out of the freedom business ASAP. Of course, it's unfair to say that the filibuster of Habeas Corpus restoration was entirely Republican. It was bipartisan -- Republicans were joined by a member of the Connecticut for Lieberman Party. Only the Democrats sat out this wise abandonment of a basic civil right. The vote count is here, see for yourself.

Ari Melber writes for The Nation that "it is a sad sign that we are reduced to counting votes for which members of Congress are upholding their oath to support the Constitution." Clearly, he doesn't get it. Nor does Joe Biden, who said, "As I've said before, the terrorists win when we abandon our civil liberties. The way we win is to show them that we can fight this war without changing our character as a nation. I hope the Senate reconsiders this issue once again."

No, no, no, no! That's bass ackward, Joe. Terrorists lose when we give up our civil liberties -- they hate our freedom, remember? We're depriving them of the target of their hate. We'll fight them in the Senate, so we don't have to fight them over here.

See, the Democrats have been so slow on the uptake here that Republicans have been forced to use the filibuster at a rate higher than any other Senate session in history. There were 42 filibusters as of July 16th of this year, while there were only 52 by Democrats for the entire session in 2006. At this rate, Republicans will be forced to filibuster terrorist-friendly freedoms 153 times before this session is over -- nearly three times the record of 58 since the filibuster rules were rewritten with Senate Rule 22.

So, while the GOP is forced to filibuster freedom, important issues that affect everyone are being ignored; banning flag burning, getting rid of evolution in schools, finding new and interesting ways to hate the homosexual menace, and plastering the Ten Commandments over every blank ten square inches in America. You know, the stuff we can all agree on. The stuff that really matters. America isn't about freedom, it's about those little flag lapel pins and Jesus.

As the Connecticut for Lieberman Party joins the Republican Party in future, bipartisan filibusters, remember that terrorists hate our freedom. If they refuse to fight us in Iraq, then we have to give up freedom, so we don't have to fight them here.

Seriously, is freedom worth risking your safety for? The Republican Party doesn't think so.

And neither does the Connecticut for Lieberman Party.

--Wisco

Technorati tags: politics; humor; republican; filibuster; religious right; terrorism; America isn't about freedom and civil liberties, like Habeas Corpus, it's about Jesus and the Ten Commandments