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Thursday, April 27, 2006

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

(Keywords: politics, congress, oil, environment, kraut is OK but ketchup is a sin )

OK, I'm a big fat liar - you can make this stuff up. In fact, a large chunk of this post is going to be untrue. But let's start with the inspiration, which is from Yahoo! News and is something you can't make up. It's just a blurb for an AP photo, but I find it incredibly funny. It's so symbolic of what huge photo-op whores the right are. Everyone shows up in new technology cars, everyone goes back to the office on the backs of dinosaurs, like Ally Oop.

'House Speaker Dennis Hastert of Ill., center, gets out of a Hydrogen Alternative Fueled automobile, left, as he prepares to board his SUV, which uses gasoline, after holding a new conference at a local gas station in Washington, Thursday, April 27, 2006 to discuss the recent rise in gas prices. Hastert and other members of Congress drove off in the Hydrogen-Fueled cars only to switch to their official cars to drive back the few block back to the U.S. Capitol.'

I'd include the photo, but I don't want to violate the copyright, which is owned by Associated Press. Go check it out.

Anyway, here's the untrue part. Cruel mockery abounds...

From the Office of Dennis Hastert, Congressman of the State of Illinois.

Dear Mr. Canaan,

Remember 9/11. Thank you for your ideas regarding my office and the various places I should put it. While some of your suggestions were physically impossible, I always appreciate the input of the American people.

Yes, it is true that I used a hydrogen fueled car for a press conference, then later switched to my own vehicle. However, the accounts stating that I drive a 'huge freakin' bus' were untrue. I drive a modest schoolbus. In fact, even as schoolbuses go, mine is rather small. I guess you could say that Dennis Hastert takes the short bus to work.

You might ask why I drive what might be the least fuel efficient vehicle I could possibly choose - you wouldn't be the first. First, it is not the least fuel efficient. That vehicle would be a Komatsu 370 Atlas bulldozer. At 1.2 MPG, that vehicle has a full one third the mileage of my International Harvester EduStar. I only drive the Komatsu 370 Atlas when I know traffic will be heavy or on the rare occasion I'm in New Orleans.

Second, have you ever tried to get a Weber grill into one of those little hydrogen cars? I represent, among other communities, Chicago. I find it serves my constituency to be able to serve bratwurst, vienna dogs, and - yes - tofu dogs wherever I go. That means I need not only the grill, but room for coolers, charcoal, lighter fluid, mustard, and several cases of Grape Faygo. It's been suggested that I might be better served by an Oscar Mayer WeinerMobile, but they are unfortunately not available for public purchase.

9/11. If I can't drive a modest schoolbus, then the terrorists surely will have won. Mine is a short bus of Freedom, Liberty, and yes, the American Way of Life. Have I mentioned 9/11?


Dennis Hastert


Anonymous said...

I'm from Northern Illinois:This clown is my Rep. That letter is an insult to evryone trying to survive while paying ALL the bills that go up when oil prices go up. As serious as this issue is, all he can do is joke?

ProudMoonbat ( driving a 35 mpg civic)

Wisco said...

Oops! The jokes are mine, not Hastert's. I tried to make it clear that the letter was satire, but I guess I missed that boat in your case.

Too anyone else reading this post, that letter's not real - there's no way Dennis Hastert is that funny.

I beatUpDennie in Highschool said...

I went to High school with Mr Hastert. Yuu're right, he's not that funny. But he is that dense.

Proudmoonbat said...

well, dont I feel silly.

Wisco said...

proudmoonbat - probably not as silly as Hastert felt when the photo came out.