To the Resistance:
I'm writing this letter from prison, where I've been since the beginning of 2010. Since Hillary was elected in '08, Christian persecution in America has gotten even worse than we predicted.
The Fairness Doctrine has shut down her radio show -- which I'd imagine has an audience of three. In fact, there is no Christian radio at all. People are charged with thought crimes, forced to hire from within the homosexual menace, and homeschooling has been illegalized. "A homeschooling mom was assigned the cell next to me," she writes. "I try to comfort her, but she cries constantly at the thought of her kids being raised in government foster care." No doubt, they'll turn out to be commie, gay, evolution-believing atheists under Hillary's secular dictatorship.
Why, oh why, oh why didn't people do the right thing when they had the chance? "There was a tier-one candidate that stood for our goals of life and marriage," she writes with the wisdom that comes only with paranoid and entirely fictional experience, "That man was Gov. Mike Huckabee. Had we nominated Huckabee to run against Hillary, the stark difference between the two would have brought voters out in droves. And we never would have seen the Supreme Court appointments of Charles Schumer and Diane Feinstein. If only there were a way to go back in time to change... I've gotta go. The guard spotted me writing again."
Clearly, we must elect former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee or the nation -- nay, western civilization itself! -- is doomed.
So far, the media's take on Huckabee is extremely low-key -- he's a nice fella. Writes John Brummett for Arkansas News Bureau, "The presidential campaign's conventional wisdom asserts that Mike Huckabee is the nicest and most decent guy in the fray." Brummett corrects that perception.
The assessment of Huckabee's niceness and decency is about 75 percent on target. It's operative three out of every four days, give or take.
It's usually interrupted on that fourth day by his ethical blind spot, hypersensitivity to criticism, general tackiness and hyperbolic counter-offenses. All perhaps were formed and influenced by his pulpit career, which nourished a sense of entitlement and made him accustomed to moral praise.
When Huckabee ran against Sen. Dale Bumpers in 1992, he "characterized Bumpers as a pornographer" because Bumpers had voted to fund the National Endowment for the Arts. Brummett also writes that as Governor, Mr. Nice Guy had a Bushian way of dealing with reporters who weren't sufficiently hearting the Huckabee -- he shut off access. He compared a Little Rock newspaper reporter to disgraced NYT journalist/fraud Jayson Blair, because that reporter "had dared to disclose plain facts that Huckabee, in his last days as governor, crushed his office's computer hard drives and depleted his emergency fund."
That's not a typo. Huckabee didn't crash the drives, he had them crushed. He wanted to make damned sure that whatever was on them would never see the light of day.
The nice Mr. Huckabee has been collecting endorsements from not very nice people. When Chuck Norris is your celebrity endorser, you've arrived in the world of the rightest of right wing nuts. Huckabee's collected the endorsements of "Patriot Pastors" Rick Scarborogh and Don Wildmon. If the term "Patriot Pastor" sounds a little scary to you, you're right. Both follow a very special brand of Christian fascism known as "dominionism" -- the belief that God gave the world to Christians to rule. And even then, only those who are Christian enough. We're talking fullblown, "government of High Priests"-style theocracy here.
Using these endorsements -- while not making a big deal of them in the press -- Huckabee's been steadily climbing the polls. Agence France-Presse tells us he's "built his surge in Iowa by exploiting disaffection among many Christian conservatives, who helped put the last three Republican presidents in the White House." They don't like Mitt Romney, because Mormons aren't Christian enough, and forget about Giuliani who only says he's Christian. Ex-pastor Mike's their man. Huckabee polls number one in Iowa, with 28% to Romney's 25%.
On the other hand, the Iowa caucuses are hard to call and polling is often useless there. Instead of an actual primary, people show up at the polling place and try to agree on a candidate (that's an oversimplification, but explaining the caucuses would take a separate post). This means that, not only do people change their minds at the polling place, but there are people who try to change others' minds at the polling place.
If someone put a gun to my head and forced me to make a prediction, I'd predict that Romney's going to buy Iowa -- as he did with the Iowa Straw Poll. But if Huckabee comes out of the first contest victorious, he'll be an honest-to-goodness frontrunner.
Which is good news for Janet Folger, who would have a chance to save herself and that homeschooling mother from Hillary Clinton's secular brainwashing camps.
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