I, Robocaller

Robocalls. If you're a voter in one of the "battleground states," you're familiar with them. Right when you're in the middle of doing something liberal -- say, destroying the family by making cakes for same sex weddings -- the phone rings and a voice tells you "the truth" about Barack Obama.

Who makes robocalls? That should be obvious from the name -- robots. Clearly, they see the McCain-Palin ticket as being stronger for their radical robot agenda. The metal men, with their fierce laser beam eyes and computer brains, want nothing more than to see McCain elected.

Why?

I looked up the Three Laws of Robotics and discovered a chilling fact. See for yourself:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

My discovery? That there's nothing barring a robot from lying. You could argue that losing an election would constitute "harm" for Barack Obama, but robots -- with their merciless calculations -- could see McCain losing as an equal harm. The second law could be overriding the first, since offense and defense are merely different positions in the same game. Team McCain orders the robots to make the calls, so the robots do it. The harm caused to Obama by doing it is rendered neutral by the harm caused to McCain by not doing it.

And doing it they are. Oh, yes indeed. Doing it they most certainly are...





I've received the following call personally:

Hello. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because you need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers, whose organization bombed the U.S. capitol, the Pentagon, a judge's home and killed Americans. And Democrats will enact an extreme leftist agenda if they take control of Washington. Barack Obama and his Democratic allies lack the judgment to lead our country. This call was paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 and the Republican National Committee at 202-863-8500.

Of course, this is guilt by association. Obama and Ayers were recruited by the same foundation to work on education issues. This is the same as holding you responsible for the people your employer hires. It's a ridiculously wild pitch and isn't getting over the plate with voters. So, of course, the robots tried a different pitch:

Hello. I am calling for John McCain and the RNC because Barack Obama says small town folks like us cling to our guns because we are bitter. And elitist Democrats who want to control Washington and completely ban hand guns and most hunting rifles. The NRA said that Barack Obama would be the most anti-gun president in American history. These elitist Democrats just don't understand us and we can't trust them with our 2nd Amendment rights. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain Palin 2008.

One thing becomes clear with this call, the robots think humans are idiots. I got this one and, although it talks about "small town folks like us," I live in Wisconsin's second largest city. The belief in human irrationality is further manifest through the assertion that Obama "would be the most anti-gun president in American history." The robots know his opinions about guns -- even if he were the "most anti-gun president" ever -- have been rendered moot by the Supreme Court. The familiar Republican scare tactic of Democrats coming to take your guns away is even more nonsensical than it ever was. They literally can't.

I warn you, this next robocall is chilling:

Hello, this is Governor Tom Ridge, America's first Secretary of Homeland Security. I'm calling for John McCain and the RNC because this week Joe Biden, Barack Obama's running mate, made startling comments that we must take seriously. He reminded us of Sen. Obama's inexperience when he said that America would face an international crisis that Sen. Obama would be unprepared to handle alone. If the Democrats win complete control of government they will want to give traditional civil rights to terrorists and talk unconditionally to dictators and state sponsors of terror. Barack Obama and his Democrat allies lack the experience and judgment to lead America.

That's right, Tom Ridge, former Secretary of Homeland Security and one-time shortlister for McCain running mate, is a robot! And, as the call demonstrates, robots are not incapable of lying. Obama would "give traditional civil rights to terrorists?" Since when are civil rights a mere tradition? They're written into the Constitution. And once you're found guilty of a felony, you lose your civil rights. Robo-Ridge's call makes no sense. Remember, robots believe you're completely irrational.

Other political figures have also exposed themselves as robots:

Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani and I'm calling for John McCain and the Republican National Committee, because you need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. It's true, I read Obama's words myself. And recently, Congressional liberals introduced a bill to eliminate mandatory prison sentences for violent criminals -- trying to give liberal judges the power to decide whether criminals are sent to jail or set free. With priorities like these, we just can't trust the inexperience and judgment of Barack Obama and his liberal allies. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008.

This explains so much. The reason Giuliani was repeating "9/11, 9/11, 9/11..." throughout the campaign was because he was caught in a recursive programming loop. He's obviously been rebooted since then, but his code is still faulty. Mandatory minimum sentencing isn't the same thing as "mandatory sentencing." Sentencing is always mandatory -- if you've been found guilty of a crime, you've got to be sentenced to something. Yet Robo-Rudy seems to believe that Obama is against sentencing criminals. Why on Earth would he be?

Because humans are irrational, that's why. To the awesome metal men, you might as well be an overly-emotional squirrel. The human mind is a complete mystery to them.

But why do the robot hordes want McCain -- a human -- to be president? We've seen plenty of examples of McCain's primary emotional state -- silent, barely contained rage. We know he's not a robot.

The answer will leave you speechless:

Hi, this is Sarah Palin. One of our local campaign volunteers just called you, and I wanted to follow up and ask for your support. You know our opponents may talk a lot, but they haven't done much listening. I know what it's like to be a hard-working mom. I know how hard it is to make ends meet during tough times like this. John McCain and I know our country is hurting, and we know how to turn it around. We'll get our economy back on track. we'll cut your taxes and lower prices at the pump and at the grocery store. John McCain and I are the mavericks who will reform Washington, Wall Street., and all the wasteful government in between. I hope John McCain and I can count on your support on November 4. We won't let you down. Paid for by McCain-Palin 2008 at 703-418-2008.

Dear sweet God, Sarah Palin is a robot. The reign of humans on this world may be drawing to a close.

For the love of all that is decent and human, vote!

VOTE!!

-Wisco