'We're Getting Ready for the Biggest Culture War Battles Ever'

Last week, I wrote that Sarah Palin believes the election is "in God's hands." Despite this, I predicted that the right wouldn't sing the Hallelujah Chorus when the Almighty chooses Obama. Consistency isn't the strong point of the religious right. When what you want to happen happens, God has rewarded you. When what you don't want to happen happens, God is testing you. When disaster visits your opponents, it's the judgment of the Almighty. When disaster visits you, you're freakin' Job.

So, the religious right -- who had previously warned of doom for America if McCain was the GOP nominee -- are now great big fans of the Senator from Arizona. Given the adaptive nature of their beliefs, McCain (but mostly the super-Godly Sarah Palin) is now America's Great Hope. Woe be unto America if God's chosen be not elected.

The reliably lunatic Janet Folger (who had previously warned that Hillary Clinton would round up Christians and put them in re-education camps) tells us in a column at WorldNetDaily that "You cannot be a Christian and vote for Obama."

To all those who name the name of Christ who plan to willfully disobey Him by voting for Obama, take warning. Not only is our nation in grave danger, according to the Word of God, so are you... [T]his election is not about race. It's not about the economy. It's about obeying God.

[...]

Be forewarned: If you willfully disobey God on life and marriage because of race or false hope for the economy, you will usher in the kind of change that brought the Soviet Union to collapse.

Wait, the Soviet Union collapsed because it finally stopped being Christian? You sure about that Janet? Because that seems like an insane misreading of history to me. But that's not the really crazy part. The crazy part is that if you vote for Obama, you're going to hell. Really, it's right there in the Bible.

"To those who call themselves by the name of Christ who ignore what God says about life and marriage, who and are clinging to a fantasy of economic gain, think again..." she says. "Then obey Him in the voting booth and out of it. If not, do us all a favor and quit calling yourself a Christian."





People are beginning to worry that the religious right is going to go crazy after November. I'm wondering when they've supposedly stopped being crazy. The religious right news service OneNewsNow.com wonders "Toy giant promoting Islam?"

Some concerned parents have contacted the Mattel toy company with allegations that one of its dolls utters words which promote Islam.

The Little Mommy Cuddle 'n Coo dolls are manufactured by Fisher-Price, which is part of the Mattel toy empire. However, a number of parents contacted the company when they heard the doll say these words: "Islam is the light."

While the doll appears to utter "Islam is the light," the company denies that is actually what it is programmed to say. Mattel insists that Little Mommy Cuddle 'n Coo features realistic baby sounds, including cooing, giggling, and baby babble, with no real sentence structure. The toy company claims the only scripted word the doll says is "mama."

I submit to you that the religious right is already as crazy as it's possible to be and still be able to distinguish between Obama and McCain. If they were any crazier, they'd think both candidates were giant locusts or something. Still, they're threatening to become crazier -- or, at least, more vocal -- in the future. They also seem to have dropped any pretense that McCain's going to win this thing.

"An Obama victory will galvanize social conservatives for 2010 and 2012 and they will look for a standard bearer they can rally around," says Evangelical right leader Richard Land. And that standard bearer looks to be Sarah Palin. No, really. Remember, these were the people who not only believed that Mike Huckabee was endorsed by Jesus, but that he had a chance in hell.

"The Alaska governor has excited the evangelical base but her strident opposition to abortion rights and other hard-core conservative positions have alienated more moderate voters," reports Reuters. They don't see this, because they think they're the mainstream.

"I've been on the phone the last couple of days with some of my friends... and we're getting ready for the biggest culture war battles ever," says the Catholic League's William Donahue. "There is nobody in the history of the United States who has run for president who is a more enthusiastic supporter of abortion rights than Obama."

"Obama will use your tax dollars to kill innocent children, and then he'll take your paycheck and use it to 'spread the wealth around,'" writes Janet Folger.

Some are predicting God's punishment for electing Obama. Former GOP presidential candidate and right wing nutjob Gary Bauer warned that "God could take his hand of protection off of America." What happened the last time God lift his protective hand? 9/11. I guess God's a terrorist.

In a week exactly, America will chose it's next president and all signs point to it being Barack Obama. In response, these people are going to get vocal. The good news is that they're really, really crazy, stupid, and annoying. The more they freak out, the less attractive they become. They may think they'll rally behind Palin to take back America in 2010 and 2012, but unless they find some way to make lunacy palatable, they'll only screw themselves worse with their shrill stridency.

Still, strap yourself in. Things are going to get stupid.

-Wisco